Caregiver Heart

I am very excited to share “15 Minutes of Fame” with you. It’s a 30-page guide that empowers you know what to do for a family member or friend with Alzheimer’s or a related dementia.

These strategies work for me, and I look forward to hearing how these strategies work for you. Please share them at: care@caregiverheart.com

Jane Fonda: Life’s third act | Video on TED.com.

“Everything you have in life can be taken from you except one thing: your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. This is what determines the quality of the life we’ve lived, not whether we’ve been rich or poor, famous or unknown, healthy or suffering.” Victor Frankel, “Man’s Search for Meaning”

Jane Fonda says, in her third act of life, she is happier, more content, not declining but ascending, and implores our culture to appreciate those who are in their “third act” as vital and valuable people.

Happy Holidays – DivineCaroline.

Thanks DivineCaroline for sharing my post about the holidays. They can be simpler and more satisfying for any of us, particularly when you’re a caregiver.

Dealing with Holiday Stress.

Be gentle with yourself and your expectations around holidays, which are challenging for anyone. Plan with care, enjoy your family and friends, and adjust the schedule to suit a person’s energy. Some further suggestions:

1) Have a party early in the day, when energy is best.

2) Create a quiet room for 1:1 visits, and film the rest of the festivities to re-play for days, months, and years to come.

3) Leave a journal for family and friends to write memories of this gathering, or ones from the past, to read aloud in March, or August, or any time you need a good story.

4) Set the clock to Midnight at 6pm on New Year’s Day, sing, celebrate, and go home early!

The essential is this: if you tell a person his or her best stories of life, and make them available (written, photo-displayed, posted on the ‘puter), then everybody wins: 1) you the caregiver, because you have great stories on your mind and on your lips; 2) the person you care for, who might just surprise you with a story of his or her own; and 3) the people who join your circle of care, who now know how to start the conversation. Everybody wins.

I taught an art class this spring. We started the session by singing patriotic songs (it was Memorial Day weekend). These participants of few words

sang every word of every song with love in their eyes

and told stories of brothers who came home from war

and more

and then they started to paint. They didn’t want to stop after an hour and a half. Their creative fire was ignited!

One I worked with said, “Wonderful..but we shouldn’t have it as an expectation that this (coming to life) will happen every time.” It struck me when it was said, and I realized that there’s a difference between ‘expectation’ and ‘mind frame’.

The difference is to not have an ‘expectation’ of the person with dementia, but to have a ‘mind frame’ that invites and allows his or her creativity to show up, to be expressed.

My mind frame of respect and regard for people allows me to create an environment of encouragement and excitement around these things. And I don’t expect a ‘thank you’, yet it’s given in the form of singing, the telling of life stories, the creating of a flurry of artworks.

When I believe people will sing, share, and create art, then I set the stage, open the door and invite them in. I’ve seen it happen every time, this emerging back into oneself, in one way or another. I ‘expect’ it because I welcome it; my ‘mind-frame’ is “Yes, creating this kind of time and place full of these experiences matters.”

It does me good, and it seems to do good for those around me. I’ll spend more of my life creating these experiences, without expectation, but with a mind frame that says “Why not? It’s a great way to spend time.”

Tryn Rose Clark – Art class for People w/Alzheimer’s

Channel 3 News filmed “With Art in Mind” art class in early October. I am privileged to spend time with these folks.

Music, stories, and arts engagement can bring people back to themselves. It also brings a caregiver to a place of regard and respect for a family member or friend to see this happen. A wife said to me, “After art class, he is happier, for days.” That’s everything, right there.

And even if you can’t see the effects outwardly for him or her, it has a positive effect on you to spend time this way.

Please do.

I read a recent LA Times article about aggressive behavior that can sometimes happen for a person with dementia. Usually I’d share strategies that might soothe a struggling person. But I’m here today to say, please get help if you need help caring for a person who is frustrated, unpredictable, larger than you, upset and showing it. I advised a tiny woman in a class, “You don’t need more strategies, you need to be safe if you’re feeling threatened.”

Do not promise a family member or friend, “I’ll keep you at home” or “I’ll be the only one caring for you”. DO promise that “I’ll always be here for you” and “I’ll find the best ways to support you.” This is an expanding promise you can keep.

May this home provide a place for you to take a breath, to sit awhile, to know you’re doing the best you can as a caregiver, and know that you can create a spark of life in yourself and in the person you care for.

I don’t feel the need to add volumes of information to your world. I do feel the need to tell you that you already know what to do with your family member or friend who has Alzheimer’s or a related dementia. Please, tell your family member or friend their best stories, and write those stories down, frame them for the wall, leave them on the coffee table or the refrigerator or the bathroom mirror or the piano bench-for any and all to read who join your circle of care.

Human kindness, pluck and verve, humor and compassion; add these to the daily tasks of caregiving. Match her mood, catch that spark in her eye, fan the flame with the story that makes her laugh or cry or say, “That’s right! That’s who I am. Thank you for remembering my life for me!”

She may not be able to say it out loud; say it into your own ear, know that it’s true.

Doing this every day will change everything. Remember a person’s life, tell it out loud, and share it with everyone you know who will tell it too. This is the cure for Alzheimer’s.